You know, sometimes, like tonight, I really wish I could talk to you, I mean really talk to you like we used to talk, sitting on my bed in my bedroom, laughing, crying and just connecting for hours. To see the life and understanding in your eyes, to hear your words of encouragement knowing that you are pulling for me and building me up. Realizing the countless hours that you have spent in prayer on my behalf. No telling what kind of a mess I would be in today had it not been for you.
Oh if I could just roll back the clock just a few short years to connect with you again. Or even several decades to feel your hand on my back on a cold winter morning, waking me up for school as you sang "there was a boy, a little strange enchanted boy, who wondered very far, very far, very far from hoooooooooome" Do you remember the time that I realized that was actually a Nat King Cole song and not one that you just made up? No, you don't remember do you? Because you are here but you are gone. The intense love and understanding in your eyes have faded to just empty eyes that stare blankly at nothing. I talk to you but I don't know if you understand anymore. Do you know how much I truly miss you? How I wish I could just have you living here with me, safe and secure, to take care of you like you took care of me. My heart is crushed as I think about you wondering the halls of that home, not really knowing where you are, not really knowing who it is that is passing you in the hallway, or thinking about you sitting alone in your room just waiting as another day passes.
Your husband passed away this summer mom. He was a great man, a war hero, a flawed but loving father. But you did not even know it. You just said "something seems to be missing".
You weren't just my mom, you were my best friend. Remember that song I wrote about you? "Behold my mom, she's sweeter than the sweetest song, she brings such joy to my heart. Whenever I was in need, somehow she could always see. So many times we sat and cried. I'm glad she's on my side". I remember the last time I sang it to you. You always got tears in your eyes and smiled so grandly.
I know you did not want this to happen, you did what you could to prevent it but sometimes, life just happens. But there has never been a cooler mom than you. I remember the day that you told me that you did not like your name, Dolores, because it meant sorrow. But then the day that I realized that it was really a variation of dolorosa, as in the via dolorosa - a distressing or painful journey or process. The term used to describe the walk of our Savior to the cross. A journey that was unbelievable painful and lonely for one man, abandoned by his friends, beaten beyond comprehension and forced to carry his own cross to his imminent death. A journey that led to his death but that brought life, light, love and joy to the world. That is what you have done also mom. You have touched so many hearts, changed so many lives, breathed hope into so many hopeless hearts.
Alzheimer.
You are a vicious thief.
You have stolen my mom from me, from her friends, from the world.
I wish I could pick up the phone to call you mom. I wish I could get my ass handed to me again as you whoop me at ping pong. I wish you could come home. I wish I could see you sitting in your chair working a crossword puzzle or reading your Bible. I wish that we could talk again. I really really do. I wish I could tell you about the truly horrible year that I have just lived, the darkness I have walked in, the sadness in saying good bye to so many friends that were dear to my heart, the fear, the loneliness, the brokeness and yet, in all of that, how God has sustained me. I am probably still riding on the wave of your prayers. I wish I could tell you about the hope that I have for tomorrow. The new friends I have met and grown close to. I wish you could meet them. I wish you could have seen your grand daughter's face last Saturday when her soccer team went undefeated and she got a trophy. She has been carrying it around with her all week. I wish she got to know you like I got to know you. Oh how I knew you mom. Thanks for teaching me how to love, but mostly teaching me how to see into the souls of those around us and to have an overwhelming desire to reach in and bring comfort, even when we can't but to at least just stand with them and let them know that no matter what, you will be there for them. You mom are truly one bad ass woman. And I love you with every ounce of my aching heart.
Billy Hill here, I like it neat
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Billy Hill Badassery Award - remix
What is the line between badass and bully? And
is there a line betwixt the two and then, where in this continuum, if it is a
continuum, would an assault and battery fall? You see, being a badass himself,
Billy Hill finds that he hangs out with quite a few badasses as well. So, one
of Billy Hill's badass friends told Billy a story the other day. See, he was
meeting a friend of his for lunch, most likely another badass I'm sure, and
Billy Hill's friend had arrived early.
Well, since Billy Hill's friend's friend had a limited time for lunch,
he decided that he would stand in a vacant parking spot and save it for his
friend. Fully aware of how unwelcoming such an action is, especially during the
lunch hour on a busy road, Billy Hill's friend said that he just buried his
face in his mobile phone to avoid the disgruntled skunk eye looks from passing
cars. And then there was this ponytail dude that pulls up, rolls down his
window and says "hey man, could you move I want to park there". Billy
Hill's friend said that he kind of smiled at ponytail but thinking "some
kinda moron you are" and then he replied "no dude, saving this spot
for a friend of mine". Ponytail said "you can't do that, it’s against
the rules". Obviously a millennial. Billy Hill's friend said he responded
by saying "There ain't no rules buddy, it may be rude but there ain't no
rules, just move on and find another spot". Billy Hill's friend said he then turned his back on ponytail and
gazed further into his mobile phone to just end the encounter.
Now is when things get interesting. Billy Hill's friend said he was a bit startled
when he felt Ponytail’s car pressing up against his thigh as Ponytail was forcing
his way into the parking spot, clearly at the expense of Billy Hill’s friend
and Ponytail was clearly unaware of who he was dealing with. And just a word of
caution, if you are going to act like a badass, you better be one cause if you
are opening a can of whoopass but you ain’t got a spoon, your just a moron . .
. . or a millennial. Billy Hill's friend said he looked eye to eye with Ponytail,
whose window was still down and he "calmly" said "I am gonna drag your ass
out of that car and beat the living s41t out of you if you do not get out of
this parking spot". Ponytail said that he would call the cops if he had
to, and Billy Hill's friend just laughed cause there was only one person that
broke the law at this point, and it was wearing a ponytail and whining about
how life is unfair. So about this time, Billy Hill's friend's friend arrived at
the scene, assessed the situation, jumped out of the car, dragged Ponytail by
the ponytail through his window and beat the living s41t out of him . . . .
well, no that did not really happen but it could have. Instead, Billy Hill's
friend's friend just pulled into another parking spot about 4 spots down, which
Ponytail could have gotten had he not decided instead to stick his hand up the
hole of a hornet's nest. And so, halfway in the parking spot with his car firmly
pressing up against Billy Hill's friend's thigh, Ponytail thought he would roll
up his window and actually get out of his car. This was a very bad decision on
his part because it takes a few minutes
for boiling blood to chill down. So, out of the kindness of his heart, and an
effort to not land back to prison . . . again, Billy Hill's friend just made
sure that Ponytail understood that he should not and would not be getting out
of that car for a little while - - - and that is about all that needs to be said
at this point. We will just say this, Ponytail sat in his car for a bit to just
enjoy that wonderful parking spot and bask in what was clearly a victory for
him because, he still had all of his teeth and his ponytail, all of which were
on the line had he stepped out of that car.
And so, what is the point of sharing this
story? If you see someone standing in a parking spot to save it for someone
else, be disgruntled, flip them off, say something under your breath, and then
move on. Don't be a ponytailed millennial cause you may just end up going to work
with soiled pants. Now Billy Hill's friend was not proud of himself whatsoever,
and admitted "I wish I had not done what I did done cause'n it cain't be
undone" (he does not really talk like that, Billy Hill just added it for
effect). And Billy Hill and his friends do not encourage the use of force in
confrontational settings unless one's life is threatened (albeit running a car
into a fellow certainly is pushing that envelope) but more than that, what is
important to learn here, and this is for all you whining millennials and other
entitlement ponytailers, can be summed up by the wisdom of Jim Croce
"don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger and you don't mess around with big Jimmy Walker, especially on 42nd Street"
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