Friday, September 22, 2017

Billy Hill Badassery Award 10 - Hair Today, Jong tomorrow

Yes, it appears that this is the decade for world leader swith really bad hair (and you thought the wine stain on the top of Gorbechev's head was bad).  Today, we are focusing on the newest recipient of the Billy Hill Badassery Award and it is awarded to none other than the world leader with the first or at least second most intriguing hair cut - Kim Jong-Un.

It is not about your hair.
But it is not his hair that is earning him this reward, it is the sheer fact that right in the face of certain annihilation of himself, his smoking hot wife, his family, his friends, his dog ranch and then the rest of his rat-eating, city confined, poor, hungry, pathetic citizens that live life behind an electric fence even though they have no electricity for their home, he boldly stands up and says "dotard" to the leader of the most powerful country in the world.

Kim Jong-Un, recently dubbed as The Rocket Man by the world leader with either the second or first most intriguing hair cut, seems to be fearless of the big American bully that takes cruel advantage of the rest of the world while it is feeding it, clothing it, taking care of it medically giving it large amounts of money and protecting it from crazy assess with large bombs, tiny brains and little concern for fellow humans.  If you are worried about global warming but not what Kimberly is up to, then you are basically either the next to the bottom or bottom range of the IQ scale, which means you are either an imbecile or retarded.

Yes, Kimberly thumbed his nose at the big bully we call America and says, and Billy Hill paraphrases here in a very politically incorrect manner, "you can stahv my people, you can drive the poor, hungry and depressed citizens of my country to death by sanctions, but you will only peese me off and drive me to make a bigger and bigger firequacker and brow it up over Pacific Ocean".  I am sure Kimberly, his smoking hot wife, his friends and his dog ranch will be just fine.  I am sure they have stock piles of food and water to last them through any sanctioning that can be thrown at him and quite frankly, I am sure he does not care if his citizens die.  I mean after all, they are just a burden on him anyway, always wanting food, water and clothing, they really don't pay attention to his 24x7 propaganda TV broadcasts and they won't stay put in the city they are supposed to stay in so we watch them on camera.

It is not about your smoking hot wife. 
But holy smokes, it takes some cowboy sized balls to make this move Kimberly.  Because, it will become apparent that the only ones suffering from the sanctions are the kind but unfortunate citizens of North Korea.  And even though we appear to be a divided nation, we will all agree that this is not the solution and the only real solution here is to mess your hair up, with a nicely placed MOAB.  Yes, the hate-filled evil Americans will not put up with your citizens bearing the brunt of your stupidity.  And so, there will be a big target put on your overly fat and bulging cheeks . . . . both sets of them.  You will be taken and you know it, but you just don't have the ability to admit it and so, as Trump so clearly stated to the UN, you are on a suicide mission.  And so, like the guy that walks into a redneck bar and screams "you bunch of retarded hay seeds" or the guy that kicks over the Harley Davidson bikes lined in front of a biker bar like dominoes, you are not very smart but you are fearless.  And because of that Kimberly, you receive the valued Billy Hill Badassary award, and the fact that you have a smoking hot wife has nothing to do with it.  Seriously.

But who wins the worse hair award hair, please comment and leave your vote.  
(a) Trump 
(b) Kimberly 
(c) Angry man.

Billy Hill here, I like it neat.  

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Billy Hill here - Waiting to Die

Don't panic, this is not a Bible lesson, Billy Hill certainly is not qualified to present one of those.

But check this out, Billy Hill is struggling with something (no, not a ponytailed moron in a parking lot).  You see, Billy Hill's mom is living in a nursing home, actually an Alzheimer's facility, and at this very moment is sitting at a table with 4 other ladies, all of which do not really know where they are and how much longer they will actually be able to hold the spoon in their hand and feed themselves.

The residents there all long for love and affection, which is evident as you walk through the lobby because it feels like a scene from the walking dead sans the sword toting Michonne, as they all stand there or move slowly towards you with out stretched arms.  And Billy Hill does not mean to be rude with that statement but that is the best way to describe it.  These people, from all outward appearances seem to be the walking dead.  Billy Hill's mom seems to recognize him but cannot remember his name, if he has kids, what he does, where he lives or even very intimate details about their life together.  And Billy Hill thinks, what the hell God?

Does God put people on the back burner?

Okay, don't get frightened by the scripture references, I said this is not a Bible lesson.

Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be
Job 14:5-7 A man's days are numbered.  You know the number of his months.  He cannot live longer than the time You have set.  

Alrighty then, Billy Hill says again, what the hell God?  Why?  He wonders why his mom is still here.  This is no life for her.  He does not like her living in that place that smells of urine, has bland food and where his precious mom is subject to being taken care of by strangers that are human just like Billy Hill.  You see, they have bad days, they have arguments at home, they experience road rage and at times they probably get tired of wiping people's butts, cleaning up urine, cleaning a toilet with crap and pee all over the seat, and they may just have a tendency to take their frustrations out on residents in one way or another.  It is human nature unfortunately.

Billy wanted to move his mom to his home but, family and friends said no, not out of meanness but out of concern.  You see, it is believed that each time an Alzheimer's patient moves they get worse.  But Billy Hill thinks "worse, so freaking what?"  Is it not better to have your child supervise your care rather than strangers?  But nonetheless, like so many others, Billy Hill and his siblings do not have the resources to really care for their mom in their home.

And so, she sits there, waiting to die, getting visits from her family and friends and she just sits there in their presence, not able to speak actual thoughts but, apparently she has some from time to time that she tries to get out.

And again, Billy Hill says what the hell God?  Why?

Recently, Billy Hill took his guitar to his mom's place and set up in the lobby.  The residents poured in and Billy Hill stood there for an hour and a half playing every hymn he could think of.  As Billy Hill played the hymns and they all sang along as best they could, or just sat there and smiled, he basked in the beauty of the moment.  It was quite worshipful and sacred.  So, Billy Hill paused and said "you know what, I don't think God puts people on a back burner and just waits for them to die.  I think that when He is done with you, when He has accomplished all that He wants from you, if you are His, He brings you home".  Billy Hill really believes this.  Like Job said, He has set the time for you to live and surly He knew these folks would have dementia or Alzheimer's for a portion of those days.  And so, Billy Hill said "I don't know why you are still here, but don't think for a moment that it is because God has put you on the back burner and forgotten about you.  Because at a minimum, I know He has totally enjoyed hearing you sing today".

So, Billy Hill continues to take the 5.5 hour one way trudge to Tennessee to see his mom whenever he can.  Why is she still here?  Billy Hill does not know.  Maybe He is giving her a period of rest, maybe there is someone that needs to have the opportunity to love on her, maybe someone is harboring a resentment in their heart and He is giving them an opportunity to forgive my mom.  We most likely will never know on this side of eternity but Billy Hill stands by his position, she is not forgotten and not just sitting on the back burner.

Incidentally, the picture here has Billy Hill's mom cookware sitting on the stove top.  Very expensive stainless steel Chef's Ware by Towncraft cookware that his mother purchased years ago upon learning that her aluminum cookware could promote an onset of Alzheimer's.  The plates in the cabinet above, mom's Blue Onion china that Billy Hill narrowly rescued from being sent to Goodwill by the late great Colonel.

Billy Hill Here, I like it neat.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Love Trumps Hate

So, Billy has a bunch a drafts in his posting box that he began drafting but just never finished.  I think what happened is that there is so much political upheaval that he just did not want to post another biased right wing post that all the Trumpeteers would amen and all the others would get spitting mad over.  But Billy has decided it is time to state the obvious.

Not so long ago a group of people were outraged at the crude and mean attitude that they perceived defined Donald Trump.  They chanted "love trumps hate", which I guess was a statement that Trump is mean to people and that they were going to show that they were better than him because they were not crude and mean but rather characterized by "love".  Billy Hill saw alot of these people wearing vagina hats on their heads, in public, that surely is not crude.  But nonetheless, upon the conclusion of an election just like all of our other elections, Donald Trump was transformed into President Trump.  It was then that the Love Trumps Hate people really began to show their love.  It was a love of self, a love of their own ideals, a love of their own beliefs.  It was not love at all because the words that come out of their mouths today seem more like hate to Billy Hill.

Anyway, Billy Hill went to undergraduate school and emerged with three solid friends that have kept in somewhat contact for the last 35 years.  Getting together for golf outings, email and texting, and staying in contact.  Well, it so happened that one of these guys has emerged as a Trump hater to the big surprise of Billy Hill.  And after a few "encounters" Billy Hill has realized that the polarization is so pronounced, that he thinks a future rendezvous would come close to resulting in fist to cuffs and potentially destroying a friendship, which even makes a badass, tough as nails Billy Hill a little bit melon collie.  [Billy Hill would post his favorite picture of a collie wearing a watermelon helmet here but his attorney has advised him he needs to be careful of copyright violations and so, you miss out but, just do a google for "melon collie" and enjoy]


I am trying to get to it.  OK, here it is.  Quit being mean and fighting mean.  Here are things that you should not say to Billy Hill if you are an upset person because Trump is our president:

(1) Really, you are an educated man and you like Trump? 
C'mon, at least be honest with your statements and say you think Billy Hill is a moron.  But really, if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, would not voting for Hillary qualify as insanity?  Unless of course you think that things were going well the last 8 years and that is a whole different kind of insanity.
(2) Trump is as bad as Hitler.  
Wow, just wow.
(3) Trump is an arrogant, egotistical narcissist.  
Yes, like he ran for president, hello. Show me someone that has run for president that isn't.  Insecure people usually just sit in the back ground and make accusations rather than bearing their souls and lives to public scrutiny and ridicule with the belief that they are the best and no one can do the job better.
(4) Trump has bad hair.
Okay, that is a given but, he pays alot of money for that bad hair and at least he is well groomed.
(5) Trump is a bad man.
Well, Billy Hill has met a few billionaires, and pretty much most of them were assholes in some respect, but usually only when you are asking them for money.  But lets see, he has a wife and grown children that seem to flock around him, and even have different opinions than him but yet show respect for the man so apparently he is a good father.  He has hurt many people's feelings, especially Rosie O'Donnell but, he has also done some incredible stuff for other people.  So, Billy Hill wants to know what the definition of "bad man" is.  Billy Hill, now there is a bad man.  OJ Simpson - bad man.  Ben Affleck, bad actor but probably an okay man.  Bruce Jenner, Billy is not sure at this point.  But Trump, be honest, he may rub you the wrong way, he may not say things in a "presidential" manner but, he is not a bad man.
(6) Trump is crude.
How do you feel about Ashley Judd?  Kathy Griffen before she shaved her head?  Bill Clinton?  Johnny Depp?  must Billy Hill go on?
(7) Trump has low self-esteem. 
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha snort ha guffah ha ha ha ha snort ha ha ha ha Billy Hill can't catch his breath.
(8) Trump is a bully.
Do you want a wimpy president?
(9) He bashes the media, discredits the media and THAT is a very serious problem because we need the media to be able to speak truth and have the freedom of press. 
Billy Hill stands with his mouth open and is a loss for words.
(10) I don't have a problem with his policies, I just hate the man. 
So, you want a president that you love and cherish but you don't care what his policies are, just so long as he is huggable?
(11) He just ran for president because he wanted to bolster his ego.  
Well damn, looks like that backfired didn't it?  But what about the fact that Trump and his staff do not take a salary?  That is kind of cool.  So what about the cruel, in your face, disrespectful treatment of him and his family that he has endured.  Why in the heck would a bad man that was just seeking to bolster his ego put up with that crap.  Billy Hill certainly would not.

But suppose it is just this, Trump is a man that loves this country, wants to do good for this country, is politically incorrect, calls a spade a spade and maybe blunders through life like a bull in a china closet but with the greatest of intentions.  If that is the case, then who is the bully?

But Billy Hill's last conversation with his friend stemmed around the President Trump speech to the Boy Scouts of America.  The anti-Trumpers came out with a list of the "cringe worthy statements" Trump made to the Boy Scouts.  So, Billy Hill finally sat down and listened to the whole 40 minute speech.  Billy Hill thought it was an excellent speech.  The response of the crowd seemed to agree.

And so, Billy Hill is going to shut up and go watch TWD re-runs with his zombie mate but he has one last thing to say:

Just shut up with your anti-Trump talk around Billy Hill because he is not going to put up with your whining crap.  Suck it up and go wipe your tears with a vagina hat with all of your Love Trumps Hate hypocrites.  And don't you dare post any anti-Trump crap on Billy Hills blog because he will insult you with his intellect, bludgeon you with his logic,  and leave you curled up in a fetal position in a pool of your own peepee.  Billy Hill would NEVER EVER say, you voted against Trump, you, an educated and intelligent person.  You freaking commie.  :)

Billy Hill Here
And man does he like it neat

Monday, December 12, 2016

Billy Hill - Bite Me Christmas

It is going to be a tough Christmas for Billy Hill - yet again.  So many people that Billy Hill loves that will not be celebrating it with him this year.  Mom, Dad, Cokey, Andy, Sonny . . .

Curious how his readers feel about this, Billy Hill poses a question to you:

What do you prefer, Thanksgiving or Christmas and why?  Actually, just what is your favorite holiday and why?

Billy Hill prefers Thanksgiving because, it is all the wonder of Christmas (sans the magic of Santa and elf on the shelf) but without all the commercialized crap and stress of buying presents and conjuring up a smile and a look of surprise and wonder as you open another package containing something you would never purchase for yourself in a million years.  Yet, we buy into the commercialization of Christmas every freaking year.  One year, Billy Hill is really going to do it, he is going to declare to the world "Do NOT buy me any gifts for Christmas cause I ain't buying you anything" and then just sit back and enjoy the turkey, deviled eggs and strawberry pretzel salad just like Thanksgiving.

One last question.  What is your favorite Christmas word?

Let Billy Hill give you a few examples to ponder:

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Noel, Santa, Snow, decorations, carols, presents, Christmas Tree, fruit cake, stocking, Grinch, The Night Before Christmas, candle light service, reindeer, Bethleham, figgie pudding, Deck the Halls, Jingle Bells, Snowman, Peace, Holly, Silent Night, Mistletoe . . .

Billy Hill would like to hear what it is and why.  And as always, Billy Hill has his very own.

This is what captures it for Billy Hill.  But you see, the freaking commercialization of Christmas is robbing the JOY out of it all.  Let me give you a perfect example.  You see, Billy Hill likes to decorate for Christmas, not in a tacky way but in a redneck classy way.  And Billy Hill wanted his theme this year to be JOY.  And. a few weeks ago, at a local hardware store, it just so happens that Billy Hill found the perfect decoration to present this theme - a gargantuous JOY.  But, it was not for sale, it was just on display.  So, Billy Hill searched the Internet but he came up empty.  Well, Friday night Billy Hill stops in again to get a few other things and lo and behold, the display had a price tag on it - $1200.  "Well crap" thought Billy Hill.  So at that point he decided he was just going to make a big JOY sign out of wood, paint and Christmas lights, but as all of his grand ideas, he knew it would not come to pass cause he is just too busy.  But the clerk in the store saw Billy Hill taking pictures as a model and said that the display would probably go on sale.  Billy Hill said he would buy it for $500 and so, she took his number and said she would call.  As Billy Hill was in the checkout line with a bronzed Santa statute, the clerk approached him and said that the manager had one more display in a box and said he would sale it to Billy Hill at an acceptable price.  So, Billy Hill waits for 30 minutes until the clerk comes around wheeling a gigantic box that Billy Hill thought was a refrigerator at first but it turned out, it was his box of JOY.

So the 85 pound bundle of JOY was loaded into Billy Hills truck, money was exchanged and Billy Hill was off to the Billy Hill headquarters.  Well, as most things these days, Billy Hill is sure that this was made in China and, well the assembly instructions sucked.  Nothing seemed to fit where it was supposed to fit and everything was large and bulky and I am sure that the cars and pedestrians passing by found this to be quite a humorous spectacle. But three hours later, covered with glitter, two bleeding fingers, nearly frost bitten, Billy Hill plugs in the display for a grand illuminated JOY.  But by this time, Billy Hill was just pissed off that he spent three hours in labor, cussed out the entire country of China and most Chinese-Americans and Billy Hill had an epiphany.  This is the whole damn problem with Christmas.  See, Billy Hill just spent an ungodly amount of money for a box of JOY for Christmas and at the end of the day, he was totally void of JOY.  The JOY he purchased and assembled completely robbed him of his true JOY.  At least for the moment.  And so, once again he came to the realization that he got snookered by the commercialization of Christmas and totally lost sight of what the whole Christmas story is about - Glad tidings and great JOY.  So in penance, he retreated to his kitchen and made 60 breakfast eggrolls (yes, Chinese food as penance) for his Sunday School class and reflected on the words that a friend had sent him earlier this year:

Don't invest in things, invest in experiences because, the joy we receive from things quickly dissipates but as we reflect on experiences and memories, they just get grander and grander.  And so Billy Hill, re-centered and refocused vows that he is NOT going to let Christmas bite him again but, we shall see how he does cause we have 13 days to go yet.


Billy Hill here, I like it neat
JOY to you and your family

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Billy Hill Badassery Award 9 - Mom

You know, sometimes, like tonight, I really wish I could talk to you, I mean really talk to you like we used to talk, sitting on my bed in my bedroom, laughing, crying and just connecting for hours.  To see the life and understanding in your eyes, to hear your words of encouragement knowing that you are pulling for me and building me up.  Realizing the countless hours that you have spent in prayer on my behalf.  No telling what kind of a mess I would be in today had it not been for you.
Oh if I could just roll back the clock just a few short years to connect with you again.  Or even several decades to feel your hand on my back on a cold winter morning, waking me up for school as you sang "there was a boy, a little strange enchanted boy, who wondered very far, very far, very far from hoooooooooome"  Do you remember the time that I realized that was actually a Nat King Cole song and not one that you just made up?  No, you don't remember do you?  Because you are here but you are gone.  The intense love and understanding in your eyes have faded to just empty eyes that stare blankly at nothing.  I talk to you but I don't know if you understand anymore.  Do you know how much I truly miss you?  How I wish I could just have you living here with me, safe and secure, to take care of you like you took care of me.  My heart is crushed as I think about you wondering the halls of that home, not really knowing where you are, not really knowing who it is that is passing you in the hallway, or thinking about you sitting alone in your room just waiting as another day passes.

Your husband passed away this summer mom.  He was a great man, a war hero, a flawed but loving father.  But you did not even know it.  You just said "something seems to be missing".
You weren't just my mom, you were my best friend.  Remember that song I wrote about you?  "Behold my mom, she's sweeter than the sweetest song, she brings such joy to my heart.  Whenever I was in need, somehow she could always see.  So many times we sat and cried. I'm glad she's on my side".  I remember the last time I sang it to you.  You always got tears in your eyes and smiled so  grandly.
I know you did not want this to happen, you did what you could to prevent it but sometimes, life just happens.  But there has never been a cooler mom than you.  I remember the day that you told me that you did not like your name, Dolores, because it meant sorrow.  But then the day that I realized that it was really a variation of dolorosa, as in the via dolorosa - a distressing or painful journey or process.  The term used to describe the walk of our Savior to the cross.  A journey that was unbelievable painful and lonely for one man, abandoned by his friends, beaten beyond comprehension and forced to carry his own cross to his imminent death.  A journey that led to his death but that brought life, light, love and joy to the world.  That is what you have done also mom.  You have touched so many hearts, changed so many lives, breathed hope into so many hopeless hearts.
You are a vicious thief.
You have stolen my mom from me, from her friends, from the world.
I wish I could pick up the phone to call you mom.  I wish I could get my ass handed to me again as you whoop me at ping pong.  I wish you could come home.  I wish I could see you sitting in your chair working a crossword puzzle or reading your Bible.  I wish that we could talk again.  I really really do.  I wish I could tell you about the truly horrible year  that I have just lived, the darkness I have walked in, the sadness in saying good bye to so many friends that were dear to my heart, the fear, the loneliness, the brokeness and yet, in all of that, how God has sustained me.  I am probably still riding on the wave of your prayers.  I wish I could tell you about the hope that I have for tomorrow.  The new friends I have met and grown close to.  I wish you could meet them.   I wish you could have seen your grand daughter's face last Saturday when her soccer team went undefeated and she got a trophy.  She has been carrying it around with her all week.  I wish she got to know you like I got to know you.  Oh how I knew you mom.  Thanks for teaching me how to love, but mostly teaching me how to see into the souls of those around us and to have an overwhelming desire to reach in and bring comfort, even when we can't but to at least just stand with them and let them know that no matter what, you will be there for them.  You mom are truly one bad ass woman.  And I love you with every ounce of my aching heart.

Billy Hill here, I like it neat

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Billy Hill Badassery Award - remix

What is the line between badass and bully? And is there a line betwixt the two and then, where in this continuum, if it is a continuum, would an assault and battery fall? You see, being a badass himself, Billy Hill finds that he hangs out with quite a few badasses as well. So, one of Billy Hill's badass friends told Billy a story the other day. See, he was meeting a friend of his for lunch, most likely another badass I'm sure, and Billy Hill's friend had arrived early.  Well, since Billy Hill's friend's friend had a limited time for lunch, he decided that he would stand in a vacant parking spot and save it for his friend. Fully aware of how unwelcoming such an action is, especially during the lunch hour on a busy road, Billy Hill's friend said that he just buried his face in his mobile phone to avoid the disgruntled skunk eye looks from passing cars. And then there was this ponytail dude that pulls up, rolls down his window and says "hey man, could you move I want to park there". Billy Hill's friend said that he kind of smiled at ponytail but thinking "some kinda moron you are" and then he replied "no dude, saving this spot for a friend of mine". Ponytail said "you can't do that, it’s against the rules". Obviously a millennial. Billy Hill's friend said he responded by saying "There ain't no rules buddy, it may be rude but there ain't no rules, just move on and find another spot". Billy Hill's friend said he then turned his back on ponytail and gazed further into his mobile phone to just end the encounter.

Now is when things get interesting.  Billy Hill's friend said he was a bit startled when he felt Ponytail’s car pressing up against his thigh as Ponytail was forcing his way into the parking spot, clearly at the expense of Billy Hill’s friend and Ponytail was clearly unaware of who he was dealing with. And just a word of caution, if you are going to act like a badass, you better be one cause if you are opening a can of whoopass but you ain’t got a spoon, your just a moron . . . . or a millennial. Billy Hill's friend said he looked eye to eye with Ponytail, whose window was still down and he "calmly" said "I am gonna drag your ass out of that car and beat the living s41t out of you if you do not get out of this parking spot". Ponytail said that he would call the cops if he had to, and Billy Hill's friend just laughed cause there was only one person that broke the law at this point, and it was wearing a ponytail and whining about how life is unfair. So about this time, Billy Hill's friend's friend arrived at the scene, assessed the situation, jumped out of the car, dragged Ponytail by the ponytail through his window and beat the living s41t out of him . . . . well, no that did not really happen but it could have. Instead, Billy Hill's friend's friend just pulled into another parking spot about 4 spots down, which Ponytail could have gotten had he not decided instead to stick his hand up the hole of a hornet's nest. And so, halfway in the parking spot with his car firmly pressing up against Billy Hill's friend's thigh, Ponytail thought he would roll up his window and actually get out of his car. This was a very bad decision on his part  because it takes a few minutes for boiling blood to chill down. So, out of the kindness of his heart, and an effort to not land back to prison . . . again, Billy Hill's friend just made sure that Ponytail understood that he should not and would not be getting out of that car for a little while - - - and that is about all that needs to be said at this point. We will just say this, Ponytail sat in his car for a bit to just enjoy that wonderful parking spot and bask in what was clearly a victory for him because, he still had all of his teeth and his ponytail, all of which were on the line had he stepped out of that car.

And so, what is the point of sharing this story? If you see someone standing in a parking spot to save it for someone else, be disgruntled, flip them off, say something under your breath, and then move on. Don't be a ponytailed millennial cause you may just end up going to work with soiled pants. Now Billy Hill's friend was not proud of himself whatsoever, and admitted "I wish I had not done what I did done cause'n it cain't be undone" (he does not really talk like that, Billy Hill just added it for effect). And Billy Hill and his friends do not encourage the use of force in confrontational settings unless one's life is threatened (albeit running a car into a fellow certainly is pushing that envelope) but more than that, what is important to learn here, and this is for all you whining millennials and other entitlement ponytailers, can be summed up by the wisdom of Jim Croce "don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger and you don't mess around with big Jimmy Walker, especially on 42nd Street"

Billy Hill here, I like it neat (and be safe out there it is a crazy ass world)

Friday, September 16, 2016

Billy Hill Badassery Award 8 - Billy Hill himself

Yes, it may be self-serving and maybe self-centric and maybe egotistical but, Billy Hill has a funny story to share and his good buddy @docevans007 has encouraged Billy Hill to share it.  Now, saying that @docevans007 is Billy Hill's good buddy is a very mild statement compared to what he really is and in fact, @docevans007 is more a badass than all of the badasses that Billy Hill could accumulate together.  And he is one of those guys that you just know, when the smoke clears he is going to still be standing their beside you, and in fact, he was.  But anyway, I digress.

See, Billy Hill inherited this golf cart from Billy Hill Badassery Award recipient number 5, yes, his dad.  So, Labor Day, he had great friends over to munch down on Billy Hill's ribs and chicken wings that were created on Billy Hill's Jimmy (that is another story) and to partake in some dang good Sangria.  After the crowd dissipated, Billy Hill loaded his offsprungs onto the Billy T golf cart and headed down the road to Baskin Robbins to all partake in malted milkshakes.

Now, to appreciate this story, you have to realize that Billy Hill lives on a road that has 35,000 cars come by everyday.  Now, if you figure most of the cars are coming through during the day, then about dinner time (which is when the Billy Hill crew were going malted milkshake hunting) you can imagine that the road can be quite busy.  And it were.  So, with two kids handing on the back and one in the front seat with Billy Hill, they pulled out onto the road and began meandering toward their malted Mecca.  It is about 4 city blocks to get to Baskin Robbins and on the way, the Billy Hill crew was passed by a police car, as well as several dozen other cars.  The malts were purchased and the crew climbed back on board to sojourn back to the homestead.  Now, as Billy Hill moved into the turn lane to pull into his driveway, he hears his daughter say "Uh oh, dad, a police man is behind us and his lights are on".  Looking into the rear view mirror, Billy Hill confirmed this was the case and thought "man, I just want to drink my malted milkshake in peace".

Billy Hill pulled his cart into the driveway and the police man followed closely behind.  Now, what transpired next is absolutely true and Billy Hill wants to make it clear that he is a fan of the first responders and the thin blue line.  They have a tough job and put themselves at risk all the time.  They are heroes and they all deserve a Billy Hill badassery award.  But sometimes, even heroes have a bad day and, well this guy must have had one of those and unfortunately, it was about to get a little worse.

As Billy Hill emerged from his golf cart sucking on his chocolate chip malted milkshake, the officer emerged from his cruiser with much disdain as he flippantly said "and just what in the world do you THINK you're doing!?!?!".  Billy Hill politely replied "just taking the kids down the road to get malted milkshakes .... officer".  And again, in his special "tone", the officer said "while I can APPRECIATE how FUN that must be (as he looked down his nose at me) you CANNOT drive a golf cart down the city streets of this town".

About this time, Billy Hill had had just about all of the officer-tude that he could handle and so, in a very respectful manner, but one that made it clear that this was a lecture and you sir are getting schooled, Billy Hill took a drag off his chocolate chip malted milkshake, swallowed followed by a prolonged and well pronouced "ahhhhhh" and said "sir, actually that is not correct, you see, as long has you have this caution triangle attached to the back of your golf cart, like this one here, to indicate that you are a slow moving vehicle, and if you use proper hand signals for turning and stopping, then it is perfectly legal to drive a golf cart down the streets of this fine city as long as it is day light, which it is, and then, if you have brake lights, tail lights and headlights, you can also do it at night time".

The Officer glared at Billy Hill and then went to his "old faithful" move "can I see your driver's license?".  Billy Hill started to say "actually sir, you do not need to have a motor vehicle license to operate a golf cart on the streets of this fine city" but, instead he was so excited that he could whip out his new triHOLD Ultimate Wallet (yes free commercial to whoever you are) and quickly flip his license out as smooth as Raylan Givens pulling out his gun, that he let it go and flipped that license right out.

The Office grabbed it and disappeared into his cruiser.  And THEN the chatter began.  Billy Hill's local offsprung sat in silence with eyes wide open and pale faced.  Turned out later she was afraid Billy Hill was going to be hauled off to jail, or back to jail - whatever.  The youngest offsprung was eagerly asking if she could go and talk to the Officer.  Billy Hill said "no!, you never approach an officer in his car when he is running a background check, you always stay put and keep your hands in the clear and don't make any sudden movements (like pulling a BB gun out of your pocket, or even a banana for that matter).  Billy Hill also runs a consulting service for moronic hoodlums to teach them how not to get dead when they are being stupid and breaking the law.  The middle local offsprung, who is all boy, was just saying "cool" under his breath and soaking the whole experience in.

A few minutes latter Billy Hill was finishing up his chocolate chip malted milkshake (which by the way is ONLY second to the Cheerwine milkshake available at a local restaurant in this fine city, so shoutout and thanks to a classic city friend of Billy Hill for turning him on to that).  The officer emerged from his cruiser for the second time, but this time with a much different demeanor.  This time he smiled sheepishly as he strolled over to Billy Hill and said "I stand corrected, sorry to have bothered you sir, enjoy your day."  Well, that gained Billy Hill's respect right there, I mean, if you have to eat crow, you may as well enjoy it with a little bit of gravy.

As the officer drove away, Billy Hill wondered if, the he noticed the big sign out in front of Billy Hill's office that said "attorney at law".

But not to waste the moment, Billy Hill gave a lesson to the offsprung (after he got his oldest local offsprung to quit crying).  You see, while you should always be respectful to those in authority, you should not always assume that they actually know what the heck they are talking about.  Clearly this fine first responder had not read, nor probably ever had the need to have read and most likely was not required to have read that portion of the law.  But Billy Hill had.  I mean, Billy Hill is crazy but he ain't stupid enough to go driving down a city street in a golf cart with out first making sure he could, especially with some very fine Sangria on his breath.  So yes,  be respectful but don't swallow everything hook line and sinker.  As the late Larry Norman sang "you gotta love everybody but don't be blind, cause some folks just wanna mess your mind".

Billy Hill here, I like it neat.