Friday, September 16, 2016

Billy Hill Badassery Award 8 - Billy Hill himself

Yes, it may be self-serving and maybe self-centric and maybe egotistical but, Billy Hill has a funny story to share and his good buddy @docevans007 has encouraged Billy Hill to share it.  Now, saying that @docevans007 is Billy Hill's good buddy is a very mild statement compared to what he really is and in fact, @docevans007 is more a badass than all of the badasses that Billy Hill could accumulate together.  And he is one of those guys that you just know, when the smoke clears he is going to still be standing their beside you, and in fact, he was.  But anyway, I digress.

See, Billy Hill inherited this golf cart from Billy Hill Badassery Award recipient number 5, yes, his dad.  So, Labor Day, he had great friends over to munch down on Billy Hill's ribs and chicken wings that were created on Billy Hill's Jimmy (that is another story) and to partake in some dang good Sangria.  After the crowd dissipated, Billy Hill loaded his offsprungs onto the Billy T golf cart and headed down the road to Baskin Robbins to all partake in malted milkshakes.

Now, to appreciate this story, you have to realize that Billy Hill lives on a road that has 35,000 cars come by everyday.  Now, if you figure most of the cars are coming through during the day, then about dinner time (which is when the Billy Hill crew were going malted milkshake hunting) you can imagine that the road can be quite busy.  And it were.  So, with two kids handing on the back and one in the front seat with Billy Hill, they pulled out onto the road and began meandering toward their malted Mecca.  It is about 4 city blocks to get to Baskin Robbins and on the way, the Billy Hill crew was passed by a police car, as well as several dozen other cars.  The malts were purchased and the crew climbed back on board to sojourn back to the homestead.  Now, as Billy Hill moved into the turn lane to pull into his driveway, he hears his daughter say "Uh oh, dad, a police man is behind us and his lights are on".  Looking into the rear view mirror, Billy Hill confirmed this was the case and thought "man, I just want to drink my malted milkshake in peace".

Billy Hill pulled his cart into the driveway and the police man followed closely behind.  Now, what transpired next is absolutely true and Billy Hill wants to make it clear that he is a fan of the first responders and the thin blue line.  They have a tough job and put themselves at risk all the time.  They are heroes and they all deserve a Billy Hill badassery award.  But sometimes, even heroes have a bad day and, well this guy must have had one of those and unfortunately, it was about to get a little worse.

As Billy Hill emerged from his golf cart sucking on his chocolate chip malted milkshake, the officer emerged from his cruiser with much disdain as he flippantly said "and just what in the world do you THINK you're doing!?!?!".  Billy Hill politely replied "just taking the kids down the road to get malted milkshakes .... officer".  And again, in his special "tone", the officer said "while I can APPRECIATE how FUN that must be (as he looked down his nose at me) you CANNOT drive a golf cart down the city streets of this town".

About this time, Billy Hill had had just about all of the officer-tude that he could handle and so, in a very respectful manner, but one that made it clear that this was a lecture and you sir are getting schooled, Billy Hill took a drag off his chocolate chip malted milkshake, swallowed followed by a prolonged and well pronouced "ahhhhhh" and said "sir, actually that is not correct, you see, as long has you have this caution triangle attached to the back of your golf cart, like this one here, to indicate that you are a slow moving vehicle, and if you use proper hand signals for turning and stopping, then it is perfectly legal to drive a golf cart down the streets of this fine city as long as it is day light, which it is, and then, if you have brake lights, tail lights and headlights, you can also do it at night time".

The Officer glared at Billy Hill and then went to his "old faithful" move "can I see your driver's license?".  Billy Hill started to say "actually sir, you do not need to have a motor vehicle license to operate a golf cart on the streets of this fine city" but, instead he was so excited that he could whip out his new triHOLD Ultimate Wallet (yes free commercial to whoever you are) and quickly flip his license out as smooth as Raylan Givens pulling out his gun, that he let it go and flipped that license right out.


The Office grabbed it and disappeared into his cruiser.  And THEN the chatter began.  Billy Hill's local offsprung sat in silence with eyes wide open and pale faced.  Turned out later she was afraid Billy Hill was going to be hauled off to jail, or back to jail - whatever.  The youngest offsprung was eagerly asking if she could go and talk to the Officer.  Billy Hill said "no!, you never approach an officer in his car when he is running a background check, you always stay put and keep your hands in the clear and don't make any sudden movements (like pulling a BB gun out of your pocket, or even a banana for that matter).  Billy Hill also runs a consulting service for moronic hoodlums to teach them how not to get dead when they are being stupid and breaking the law.  The middle local offsprung, who is all boy, was just saying "cool" under his breath and soaking the whole experience in.

A few minutes latter Billy Hill was finishing up his chocolate chip malted milkshake (which by the way is ONLY second to the Cheerwine milkshake available at a local restaurant in this fine city, so shoutout and thanks to a classic city friend of Billy Hill for turning him on to that).  The officer emerged from his cruiser for the second time, but this time with a much different demeanor.  This time he smiled sheepishly as he strolled over to Billy Hill and said "I stand corrected, sorry to have bothered you sir, enjoy your day."  Well, that gained Billy Hill's respect right there, I mean, if you have to eat crow, you may as well enjoy it with a little bit of gravy.

As the officer drove away, Billy Hill wondered if, the he noticed the big sign out in front of Billy Hill's office that said "attorney at law".

But not to waste the moment, Billy Hill gave a lesson to the offsprung (after he got his oldest local offsprung to quit crying).  You see, while you should always be respectful to those in authority, you should not always assume that they actually know what the heck they are talking about.  Clearly this fine first responder had not read, nor probably ever had the need to have read and most likely was not required to have read that portion of the law.  But Billy Hill had.  I mean, Billy Hill is crazy but he ain't stupid enough to go driving down a city street in a golf cart with out first making sure he could, especially with some very fine Sangria on his breath.  So yes,  be respectful but don't swallow everything hook line and sinker.  As the late Larry Norman sang "you gotta love everybody but don't be blind, cause some folks just wanna mess your mind".

Billy Hill here, I like it neat.